If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
