btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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