Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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