Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
