I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
