just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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