There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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