And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
