Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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