Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
