so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
