Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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