im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Vodka?
Forever.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
