Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
