just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
