toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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