i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
