Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just high enough for therapy.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
