The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
