If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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