Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
