its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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