I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
