I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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