She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
