apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
