i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
