True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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