yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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