And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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