none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
