omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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