my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
