no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Randomize
