Define "chronic" masturbator.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need to sanitize my soul.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
