so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
