I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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