Betty ford says i'm here all night
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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