I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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