New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
not ubering you a puppy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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