I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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