it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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