I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
