I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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