The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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