Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
