I'm so fucking centered right now
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
