put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
