Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
