Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
