checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
