watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
