Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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