If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
