I just pynch a tree in the face
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
